ATOP Chapter Seventy-Five

It was a Saturday... a lovely, lazy Saturday afternoon. Josh stood by the window, drawing the curtains wide open so that the sunshine fell full upon the still, white form in the bed. Birds filled the tree just outside... a pair of bluebirds were building a nest, singing cheerily while they worked. Myra was out in the garden, nearly hidden beneath a giant straw hat. Beyond the garden, he could see Mickey and Rebekah sitting out in an apple tree, swinging their legs merrily. Shonie was under the tree, frolicking with Wiggly. After a few moments, Myra straightened up, wiping her face with the hem of her apron, and turned towards the house with a large basket in her arms. Rob met her near the doorway, his face solemn as he spoke to her. Even with the window open, Josh couldn't hear what they were saying, but he didn't care.

As beautiful and peaceful as the day was, the sunshine had no effect on him. Inside, his soul raged with a powerful storm. He trudged back to Emma's side, picking up the still-warm mug of tea on the nightstand. Carefully, he lifted her head, holding the cup to her lips. Her eyes fluttered halfway open and then closed again.

"C'mon, Em, drink up..." he tried to laugh, but it came out shaky. "It's good, I know it is. Had some myself. C'mon, you never were a picky eater before..." Gently he opened her mouth, managing to pour a tiny bit of the tea inside. It went down, and he felt his hope rising. But the next bit came dribbling out again. Gritting his teeth in frustration, he wiped away the spilled tea and tried a third time.

He could hear the door opening downstairs, again and again, footsteps coming and going. People were speaking in whispers, and then someone was calling out on the front porch for the children. There was a rushing clatter into the house, and then soft footsteps on the stairs. After a moment, the bedroom door opened. He didn't turn to see who it was, not even when she spoke to him. But he knew the voice to be Rachel's. 

"Time you took a... how do they say it... a break..." she said softly, laughing a little. "A break... the word does not make sense, jah? But time for yourself, time to rest... you need it. Go." 

He rose stiffly, pressing the mug into Rachel's hands. "She won't drink it," he muttered, stumbling forward. She grabbed his arm, steadying him.

"They are waiting for you downstairs," she murmured. "I will stay with my dear friend here... I promise you I will take good care of her."

"I know you will," Josh was half-surprised at himself for offering no protest. Scarcely had anyone been able to coax him from Emma's side yet. But there was something in Rachel's eyes... and he was content to go... for a few minutes,  at least.

Ronnie was waiting for him in the hall, Judah asleep in his arms. He smiled, and there was a world of strength in that smile. Josh couldn't help but smile back... although his was scarcely more than a shadow. 

"Everyone else is downstairs," Ronnie shifted Judah to one arm and wrapped the other round Josh's shoulders. "Stay strong, my brother. God is with you."

"Is He?" And Josh's smile turned almost bitter. Ronnie didn't answer, just nodded towards the stairs and guided Josh down.

Everyone else was, indeed, downstairs. Rob and Myra, Jim and Donna, Mickey, Rebekah and Rishona, Mac and Katie... even Jamie and Benjie were seated solemnly side by side as if they understood the gravity of the situation. Josh stared at them all vacantly... and then he began to crumble. He felt his body shaking, his knees buckling... he was going to burst into tears again, he could feel them threatening to fall... but then everyone was closing around him, wrapping him in one enormous embrace, holding him up, holding him close.

For a few moments, all was silent, except for muffled sobs. Josh wasn't the only one crying. 

Rob spoke first, his voice low and gentle.

"You're going through a valley, my son. It's dark, and it's hard, and God seems far away. I know, I know... trust me, I know."

"We all know," Ronnie added softly. "We've all had our valleys. You're not there alone... we're with you... and so is God... even though you can't see Him right now."

"Can't blame Him for this," Mac put in. "Trials come our way... that's how life goes. Just remember this... God is with you, every step of the way."

"He’s carrying you," Myra wiped away her tears. "He's holding you close."

"And Emma?" Josh choked out. "What about Emma?"

"He's holding her too," Rob smiled sadly. "Don't you believe that His hands are big enough? Don't you know His will is best, that your future... and Emma's too... is safe in His hands?"

"But... she's... dying..." and it was all that Josh could say. He could feel his faith failing and desperately, he clutched at the thin strands that remained. He brought back that day on Omaha, remembered the moment that he knew God was with him and he longed for that feeling again. He had never felt so alone as he did now. Even with everyone so close around him...

They knelt together, there on the living room floor. Each one prayed in turn while Josh wept, begging for help, for strength, for comfort... for a miracle. And while they were praying, Rachel's hurried footsteps were heard on the stairs.

"Josh!" she cried, her voice anxious. "She is asking for you, you must come quickly!"

Josh ran... and in moments was with Emma again. It was the first she had spoken in days... but her eyes were barely open. She reached out to him as he fell to his knees at her side, trying to squeeze his hand, but her grip was weak. 

"Hey, Scout..." she whispered hoarsely and Josh leaned closer to catch her words.

"Feeling better, Em?"

She smiled wearily and shook her head. The slight movement seemed to tire her and her eyes closed again. 

"I'm... going soon..." she managed and Josh let out a heartbroken moan. He dropped his head on the pillow, next to hers, as she tried to speak again. "I'm... sorry..." she added brokenly. "I... tried... but..."

"You can't. I won't let you go. You're staying here with me."

"Wish I... could... it is... hard... to... leave you... I... love you... so much..."

She stopped talking and for one horrible moment, Josh felt his heart stop beating. But she was still breathing. He lifted his head, looking back at the family that had trickled into the room after him.

"Send someone for the doctor," he spoke between clenched teeth. "I'm not letting her go."